


A letter to a baragaki

by silverfreak



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drama & Romance, M/M, Post-Farewell Shinsengumi Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8827564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverfreak/pseuds/silverfreak
Summary: Hijikata writes a letter.





	

_To: Baragaki-sama  
_

_~~So hey, how’s the biggest fool in Edo?~~_  
_~~Sugar fr~~_  
_~~How are y~~_

_To: Baragaki-sama_

_Why am I even writing a letter for you? This is disgusting. But I’m going to do it anyway. Oh wait, this isn’t for you, it’s for me. I need some place to vent so let me do that here. You’re the Yorozuya right? And you would do anything? So, help me put myself at ease._

_There have been too much things bugging my mind lately, and mind you, tobacco and alcohol can’t even help me… mayonnaise, maybe. There’s the Shinsengumi, Kondo-san, Edo, and you._

_The Shinsengumi and Kondo-san are well. Kondo-san kept on prattling about how Otae, and Shinpachi bid their farewell. Honestly, he still cries when we talk about it, and that’s what I’m worried about. He talks about Otae more often now. Damn, he’s hopelessly in love with her. Anyways, I hope he can get himself together anytime soon. But we’re managing well, he is managing well, he’s still the Commander after all._

_I’m worried about Edo. We left Edo’s care with the most idiotic trio and I think that reason is enough to make me uneasy. I hope we can come back soon though, Hijikata-special here are nothing like Edo’s. And worse thing, it wasn’t the last food I ate before leaving. I hope Edo isn’t a wreck when we come back._

_There’s this person who kept on bugging my mind so please punch him in the face._

_It’s you, Sakata Gintoki. Please punch yourself in the face._

_You, especially you, you dumb fuck._

_It’s always been about you._

_You never put me at ease._

_Even since the day I first met you._

_It’s been months since I last saw you. I forgot how I felt when I saw you after the meeting with Katsura, you were outside holding an umbrella, clothes drenched in rain, and your smile greeted me. The day was already melancholic because of the rain, but I guess my feelings and your smile made it even worse. I can still remember the walk we had towards the bar. It was too quiet, like there was a fragile barrier between us, everything I can remember were just faint laughs, soft smiles, and awkward eye-contacts._

_We arrived and you never looked at me, well, maybe you did. I did look at you a few times. But surprisingly, we didn’t make any eye contact the whole time we were there. I yearned for it. But even I was hesitant to do so. There was a brief moment of silence. All I can hear was the sound of the knife thumping on the chopping board, sounds of utensils and bowls as the old lady prepared our meals. It seemed like time slowed down for the three of us._

_The silence made me thought of every memory I had with you. You were there, always there. Like almost every memory I had in Edo had this faint silver light, and I know it’s you. It’s always you, Gintoki._

_You’re always under my skin. You’re there to completely take me over. You’re unfair. You’re always there whenever we have problems. You’re always there meddling with my problems. I just hope you let me meddle with, and be there in yours._

_I broke the silence. Honestly, I had no idea what to say at that time, I just wanted to come back soon. Come back even though we haven’t left yet. Come back to Edo, to our home, to you. I gave you the liquor I stocked, hoping that it would give you company. Hoping that you wouldn’t forget about me, because you know, I wouldn’t forget about you._

_I hated looking at you that time. I hate the feeling._

_It’s like a jab, a sneer, a mock._

_But there you were again, telling me something like you were breaking down your own walls and you’re letting me peak at what’s inside of you. There you were again, sounding like you trust me, trust me enough to hear some untold stories about you. There you were again, smiling, smiling so faintly yet too beautiful that I cannot depict the right words, a smile that can tell thousands of stories, thousands of painful memories. I looked at you that time, and I didn’t think about how I looked like. I couldn’t care less about any jabs on the chest. I just wanted to look at you. I looked at you because I had a reason. And God knows how much I wanted you to give me more reasons to look at you._

_I can still remember the last food I ate before I left Edo. What did even go through this skull of mine to eat your junk? I hope you fucking enjoyed the meal. I hope you fucking remember the taste (which I doubt because you’re a sweet glutton)._

_Then I laughed. I laughed and laughed. My rational thoughts, where were they that time? I just wanted to laugh everything out. Laugh at you and the junk you’ve been eating for years. Laugh at all the good and bad times. Laugh at everything like the day wasn’t miserable enough._

_Laugh with you. To be honest, it was really nice to laugh with you._

_The day went on just like that, eerie and unsettling._

_Then our eyes met._

_There was a reason why I hated looking at you that time._

_The feelings, my feelings, I can’t understand them at all._

_No, I hate the fact that I fully understand them._

_I kept looking at you until you looked away. Your eyes are beautiful. When I stared at them, they just kept on getting brighter and brighter. I can’t even understand what you’re feeling. I can’t understand the face you’re making. You’re a fucking puzzle that’s impossible to solve._

_I wanted to grab you in my arms, hold you tight. Then maybe, maybe you’ll agree to come with us. I wanted to rest my head on your shoulders. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cup my hands on your soft cheeks and mess with your hair. Maybe I just wanted to kiss you._

_I wanted to cover that faint smile of yours with my own lips. I wanted to stop my thoughts._

_I looked away, my tears almost escaping. I walked away. I left you without any words, just a silly staring contest. I lost. I lost again. I lost again and again and again. I’m tired of this. Why do I keep on losing to you, you jerk?_

_What pained me the most was hoping that you would chase after me, I hoped you would stop me. And if you did, I think I was ready to lose again. I was more than ready. I was anticipating. I wanted you to hold my hand._

_But you didn’t._

_I am a fucking mess. And it’s clearly your fault._

_What If we met in another time? In another place? In another situation? A situation where we wouldn’t have to leave this place? Where I wouldn’t have to leave you? A place where you weren’t the main character? What If you’re just a normal civilian who I fell in love with?_

_There is it. I said it. Fuck._

_Even if you’re just a civilian, will you even fall for me too?_

_Teach me how to deserve you._

_You’re like a fucking magnet Sakata Gintoki. You just attract anyone, everyone towards you. You have that charm. And who I am? Who I am to those people who you cared for? To those people who knew you longer? Who am I, Who am I to you? I’m just a vessel which you like to make fun of. You will never take me seriously._

_Why can’t you leave my head? Why can’t you just go away?_

_You’re tiring to deal with. Exhausting to deal with. Physically, Mentally and Emotionally._

_But I still want to come back to Edo.  
But I still want to come back to you._

_I guess I’m just that much of a fool for you._

_From:  
Baragaki_

 

Hijikata sighed while writing the signature. He placed the pen on the side and started lighting a cigarette. He read the letter which he did for an hour. It was just a bunch of words that were left unsaid -- better left unsaid.  
“I’m not gonna give this to him,” He let out a smoke and stood up. “Over my dead body.”  
He ripped the paper in pieces and threw them in the trash bin and went out of his room. 

 

Minutes later, a kid with an eye mask hanging around his neck and holding a bazooka like it was his trusty companion, entered his room. He wanted to disturb Hijikata a while ago (as always), but instead, he saw him eagerly writing something, like he was really into it, a hand was resting on his gloomy face. Hijikata looks kind of miserable. Grey crescents under his eyes were more noticeable. He was supposed to be happy about Hijikata being miserable, but he can’t bring himself to. 

Who would he even write a letter to? 

He got more curious when Hijikata started ripping the paper in pieces and threw them.  
Hijikata got the devil’s luck because a devil is about to check the said trash bin. He grabbed the pieces of paper and rearranged them.  
He realized who it was for.  
He realized what it was for.

“Danna, “He smiled while looking at the clouds. “It’s raining here.”

 

“And someone’s been thinking about you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I was riding the train on my way home and I just /randomly/ thought of this (Ginhiji is like my default thought okay). First fic posted here so I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> ps: I have this headcanon that Follow-kata writes the sweetest love letters (but uh, he's too shy to give them haha)


End file.
